Father Flanagan’s Prayer Over the Gifts

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to awake in green pastures,
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz,
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal(or Sweet-N-Low, for that matter).
For thou art with me, thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez,
Thou annointest my day with pep, my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of Maxwell forever, to the last drop.

Amen.

Heaven/Hell

Heaven:
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell:
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it is all organized by the Italians.

Top 100+ Things You Don’t Want the Sysadmin To Say

(from alt.folklore.computers)
Subject: Top 100 things you don’t want the sysadmin to say.

  1. Uh-oh…..
  2. Shit!!
  3. What the hell!?
  4. Go get your backup tape. (You _do_ have a backup tape?)
  5. That’s SOOOOO bizarre.
  6. Wow!! Look at this…..
  7. Hey!! The suns don’t do this.
  8. Terminated??!
  9. What software license?
  10. Well, it’s doing _something_…..
  11. Wow….that seemed _fast_…..
  12. I got a better job at Lockheed…
  13. Management says…
  14. Sorry, the new equipment didn’t get budgeted.
  15. What do you mean that wasn’t a copy?
  16. It didn’t do that a minute ago…
  17. Where’s the GUI on this thing?
  18. Damn, and I just bought that pop…
  19. Where’s the DIR command?
  20. The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
  21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s LOTS of free space.
  22. What’s this “any” key I’m supposed to press?
  23. Do you smell something?
  24. What’s that grinding sound?
  25. I have never seen it do *that* before…
  26. I think it should not be doing that…
  27. I remember the last time I saw it do that…
  28. You might as well all go home early today …
  29. My leave starts tomorrow.
  30. Ooops.
  31. Hmm, maybe if I do this…
  32. “Why is my “rm *.o” taking so long?”
  33. Hmmm, curious…
  34. Well, _my_ files were backed up.
  35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
  36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
  37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
  38. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work
  39. when it comes up tonight.
  40. I didn’t think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
  41. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
  42. We’re standardizing on AIX.
  43. Wonder what *this* command does?
  44. What did you say your (l)user name was…? [;-)]
  45. You did _what_ to the floppy???
  46. Sorry, we deleted that package last week…
  47. NO! Not _that_ button!
  48. Uh huh……”nu -k $USER”.. no problem….sure thing…
  49. Sorry, we deleted that package last week…
  50. NO! Not _that_ button!
  51. Uh huh……”nu -k $USER”.. no problem….sure thing…
  52. [looks at workstation] “Say, what version of Dos is this running?”
  53. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
  54. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
  55. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
  56. What’s this switch for anyways…?
  57. Tell me again what that ‘-r’ option to rm does
  58. Say, What does “Superblock Error” mean, anyhow?
  59. If I knew it wasn’t going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
  60. Was that YOUR directory?
  61. System coming down in 0 min….
  62. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
  63. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
  64. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
  65. The sprinkler system isn’t supposed to leak is it?
  66. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. ( This is said on a monday afternoon.)
  67. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
  68. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
  69. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
  70. Ummm… Didn’t you say you turned it off?
  71. The network’s down, but we’re working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline… )
  72. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
  73. Boy, it’s a lot easier when you know what you’re doing.
  74. I hate it when that happens.
  75. And what does it mean ‘rm: .o: No such file or directory’?
  76. Why did it say ‘/bin/rm: not found’?
  77. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
  78. You can do this patch with the system up…
  79. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
  80. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
  81. Well, I’ve got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk….
  82. What do mean by “fired”?
  83. hey, what does mkfs do?
  84. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
  85. …and if we just swap these two disc controllers like _this_…
  86. don’t do that, it’ll crash the sys…….. SHIT
  87. what’s this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
  88. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
  89. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
  90. now it’s funny you should ask that, because I don’t know either
  91. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
  92. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
  93. SMIT makes it all so much easier……
  94. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
  95. I don’t care what he says, I’m _NOT_ having it on _MY_ network
  96. We don’t support that. We _won’t_ support that.
  97. …and after I patched the microcode…
  98. You’ve got TECO. What more do you want?
  99. We prefer not to change the root password, it’s an nice easy one
  100. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory…
  101. This won’t affect what you’re doing.
  102. “We are shutting xxx down from 8.30 to 10.30 on Thursday to install a new tape drive.” – The machine was up at about 2pm sans-tape drive
  103. “I just have to install these three patches. It should not take more than a few minutes.” – The machine was working again about 3 hours later…
  104. Umm, did anyone have anything important in /usr?
  105. We had to format some tracks, and we seem to have hit an inode track. – Half the files are still there though…
  106. Ooops, I should really have change directory before doing that chmod -R bin.bin .
  107. I just made an extra 2 meg of space in /, I stripped /vmunix. – Oh, so that’s why ps doesn’t work.
  108. Ignore the errors. It complains too much.
  109. I got these instructions off the net. I’m going to follow them exactly. Let’s see if they work.
  110. Heard at my workplace when I found emacs wouldn’t run:  “Oh I took that thing off, it was huge and nobody uses it. It’s a stupid editor anyway.” –Spoken by an MS-DOS programmer
  111. I don’t know if this is ethical, but…
  112. Anybody seen the envelope I wrote that password on?
  113. Oh, I thought you’d already saved that file.
  114. Why is the “Undo” button greyed out?
  115. You needed a new computer anyway, right?
  116. You can move the mouse a little, but DON’T MOVE THE KEYBOARD!
  117. When it makes that noise again, use the FLAT end of the hammer next time!
  118. I couldn’t fix that loud power supply fan, so here are some louder speakers.
  119. From now on, you’ll need to wear this ground strap when you use the computer – but you shouldn’t get that nasty shock anymore.
  120. Not forward slash…BACK SLASH…no, I don’t know where that is on your keyboard.
  121. Keep rebooting until it stays running.
  122. That blue screen really is pretty, huh?

More Murphy’s laws

Murphy’s Law: What might go wrong will go wrong and at the worst possible moment

Sullivan’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Gumperson’s Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse proportion to it’s desirability.

Wiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.

Chisolm’s Law: Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Man’s Law: No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.

David’s Law: If something goes wrong, it’s always someone else fault.

Parkisons’ Law: Work will expand to fill the time that is available.

Slacker’s Law: One will rise to the level of incompetence expected of them.

Pessimist’s Law: Anything that might go wrong, has gone wrong, and you’ve just missed it.

Peter Principal: A person is promoted to the level of their incompetence

Laws of Ed

Through my travels in life I have come to some universal Truths. So far I’m up to four of them. If you look around you will find that these are frighteningly accurate.

1) Any idea formed between two people is usually a bad idea. (See The Bus!)

A better way to describe this is when you and your friend come up with the same time. No one can remember who thought of the idea first, one of those ” popped in to my head” kind of things. An idle mind is the devil’s playground.

2) My problem is worse than yours because it is mine. And Vice Versa.

The human EGO is a powerful thing. It will not allow you to believe that anyone else has had the same or similar problem as you.

3) Just because I think you think one way does not mean that you think that way.

This is a tough one to explain. I guess it boils down to you will never understand someone untill you walk a mile in their shoes

4) The Truth.

No one can accept it. No one wants it. Try this on some one that you know. Tell a big lie about some thing, then tell the truth about that thing, then tell a little lie, once again, all about the same thing. You will find that people will tend to believe the little lie over the truth. It does not matter what order it’s in; small, truth, then big, or truth, big, then small, or any combination there of. People seem to feel better with the little lie.

Nebraska or Bust – Field Report By Rob Sinatra – Day 3

DAY 3:

After awaking from a most peaceful slumber, well me anyway (Ed always seems to have trouble sleeping), Ed and I got an early start for our last leg. This was the most important leg of the journey because it was the only one with a deadline. Mr. Ed had to be on a plane bound for Minneapolis/St. Paul at 4:30 PM and then make a connection back to the land of cheese steaks and soft pretzels, Yo Philly, PA. Now as much as Mr. Ed and I are really good friends, there was no way in Hades that I was going to let him get stuck in Omaha, NE. We returned back onto Rt. 80 and traveled at Warp Factor 3 for most of the trip. My intestinal track was now back under control so we were able to haul butt rather than yesterdays episode filled of P&G (i.e Peeing and Gas- I did all the urinating. All flatulence belonged to Ed. It was like something crawled up the poor boys buttocks and died. I thought the dashboard was going to melt.). Driving was tough because Ed was zoning out and napping most of the time, and the road was covered with fog. It was like driving in the infamous Fog Bowl between the Eagles and the Cowboys. Rt. 80 in Iowa is almost entirely straight and flat. There were only pockets of civilization and wide sprawling farmland. The one time we had to stop for gas, Ed and I had to drive seven miles out of our way. We saw tons of cattle, pigs and horses. This is also apparently Danish country (the people NOT the pastry). As we pull up to a Texaco we noticed a police car blocking the road. Apparently the town was having a Memorial Day parade and the whole town was shut down until after the parade was over. It was really cool to see that kind of pride and spirit, but it REALLY stunk for those of us who had to go the bathroom (i.e. me) and instead of using a urinal had to climb down a steep embankment in order to relieve themselves in the bushes, as well as getting mud all over my brand new (well… not anymore) sneakers. The rest of the trip into Omaha was uneventful. I checked into my room and Ed helped me unload my stuff. When we finally finished emptying it out, I was really surprised about how much junk I had lugged with me the past 1300 miles. I also cringed in horror as I realized that in 10 weeks I would have to lug it all the way back. With the help of computer aided directions I was able to get Mr. Ed to the airport without major incident and we waited in the terminal for Ed’s flight to arrive.

The airport in Omaha, NE is really small compared to the other major airports I’ve been (i.e. Philadelphia, JFK, Newark, Miami, etc.). The small size was refreshing because you couldn’t get lost, and great thing about it was that the maximum I would have to pay for parking would $6 (I ended up paying $5, but whose complaining!). While waiting for the plane to arrive, Ed and I had a nice conversation with some people from Minneapolis. We talked about how much we hated squirrels and how unfair a 1300 mile journey by car could be, especially for Ed who had only been in Omaha for about two hours and already had to leave. Their accents were neat. It was like listening to Fargo. Ed and I tried our hardest to use up the remaining film left in the disposable cameras, but Ed still had a ton left over when he went on the plane. Ed’s leaving was really anti-climatic. It was a great trip and I was really sad to realize it was over. Driving cross country is not something one should do alone. First of all, its not safe. A person could go crazy doing all that by himself. Second, there are so many really neat things that are in the U.S. of A., and its important to share it with somebody, especially if they laugh at all your jokes. I’ll be driving back with my friend Jim, whose golf clubs and books I brought out, who will be flying into Omaha late Sunday night. On the way back, we’re planning on stopping off at a few places that Ed and I couldn’t on the way out. I really think its going to be more interesting, but I doubt that it will be as much fun. Thanks, Mr. Ed. I owe you one.