Mad Mumblings From the Cafeteria

Get stoned…. Drink wet cement

If God had meant us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

If they ship Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Peace through Tyranny

I’m not arrogant, I’m just better than you.

There is no personal problem that can’t be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Gun control means hitting your target.

I’m not as dumb as you look.

The SPUDZOOKA! ™®©etc.

Are you feeling crazy today? Click here for an excellent instructional on how to make a spudzooka from the Backyard Ballistics Web Page

So, Greg and I are baby-sitting Rambo’s house (yes that’s his real name) and we are board. Greg has been surfing the web and found the plans for a spudzooka. Of course Greg has “redefined” the plans and “improved” on the original specs.

So we make the treck to Home Depot looking for all the PVC parts that we need to build this “device.” Let me tell you something, when you’re in Home Depot talking about building a spudzooka, people tend to leave you alone. We picked up all the parts that we need (plans will be posted as soon a I get them from Greg) and headed back to the house. We managed to build it without serious loss of life or limb. We built a makeshift bipod out of the remaining parts and propped up on that.

Now that we have it built, there was a little problem of firing it. We drilled a hole in the base and stuck in a model rocket engine igniter in. We poured about a half cup of petrol into the bottom of the spudzooka. One quick note. This information was given to me from a nautical handbook. 1 cup of gasoline equals 6 sticks of dynamite. Back to the story. We run a line of 10baseT cabling that I “borrowed” from the office out about 20′ to 30′ away, and wired it to a camcorder battery. Now we were use to the rocket engines taking up to 30 seconds to ignite so it was a bit of a shock the spudzooka fired immediately when Greg touched the wires to the contacts. It sounded somewhat like Foomf. Now having said that, it’s kind of important to mention the fact that both Greg and I are both looking at the battery, prepared the be waiting 20 seconds before it goes off. We hear it foomf, look over and see the spudzooka falling backwards off of the bi-pod. It blew it self off of the bi-pod completely. And we missed it.

Ok, now we are dammed determined to get this cussing thing to fire off. We scrounged around to see if we have any more igniters to no avail. So we decide to try and use a fuse from a m90 to see if it will fire off. The fuse goes out before reaching the petrol. I get volunteered to try dropping a match in the hole to ignite the gasoline. No problem. I’ve dealt with explosives before, piece of cake. Walked over to the Spudzooka and dropped the match in. The gasoline caught fire, along with the duct tape and the entire bottom part of the spudzooka. We stood and stared at it for somewhere between 30 seconds and a minute. At that point one of us said “Well. We better put that out before something bad happens.” And proceeded to watch it for another 30 seconds and a minute. I then ran inside and garbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

After we deemed the spudzooka operable, we decided to try it again, this time for sure we had fixed the problem.

We managed to catch it on fire, again.

We stood and stared at it for somewhere between 30 seconds and a minute. At that point one of us said “Well, the fire extinguisher’s dead. Now what?” And proceeded to watch it for another 30 seconds and a minute. I run inside, grab a shovel, dig up some dirt and pour it on top of the flames, smothering it.

We decided to call it a night and try again tomorrow.

To be continued.

Clarification of the Top 12 Most Painful Ways We’ve Injured Ourselves Playing Paintball.

12. Leaves your ear ringing with paintball bits in and around the ear. This is one of the good reasons to wear the proper helmet and protection.

11. I was stuck in a group of brush. The paintballs were breaking on the brush and not hitting me. I was completely surrounded, so I “Got my self outta ‘Nam”. Two years later an my foot still cracks If I move it the wrong way.

10. See – aHow not to check to see if you’re out of ammo #1/a and aHow not to check to see if you’re out of ammo #2/a

9. Joe got shot in the lip and also got the nickname “lippy” form the fat lip.

8. I came running through a thicket of brush with my head tilted down just enough to see where I was going. I come plowing out of the brush and POW get shot right on the top of the head.

7. See – aHow not to check to see if you’re out of ammo #3/a

6. This is a particular sensitive area especially if you have a small spheroid flying at 250 to 300 fps. And let me tell you something, the grazing shots hurt more than the direct hit’s.

5. Mike had branch of tree swung too hard back on him and hit him in the groin. I’ve ran smack into one particular small, groin height tree several times at night.

4. I’m charging “The Fort” with Charles, attempting a full frontal assault and take over before the enemy arrives. We were late, they were early. Charles splits off to the left as I head for the right. I try to make it to some cover, I trip in the sand and get shot. I land on the ground and lay there for a couple of seconds to catch my breath. As I get up one of the people in the fort sees me moving and as a knee-jerk reaction shoots, and hits me in the throat. It took me by surprise and knocked me on my back. I met the guy who actually shot me a few years later at another game. We were telling “war stories” and I mentioned that incident. He responded “Oh I’m so terribly sorry. That was me who shot you. That was you who I shot. I’m so sorry. Don’t kill me.” Keep in mind that he said that sentence in under 4 seconds.

3. Rob got shot in the neck just below the jaw. He went down to the ground holding one hand on his neck and the other pounding on the ground, legs kicking like mad.

2. I shot at Greg as he was running away. It hit him on the back of the head immediately knocking him out. He fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. We all dropped our equipment and ran over to him.

1. No explication needed. Let’s just say we’ve had one to many hits and WAY to many close calls. And trust me the close shots and the grazes hurt allot more than the direct hit.

Top 12 Most Painful Ways We’ve Injured Ourselves Playing Paintball.

12. Shot in the Ear guard.
11. Shot in the Foot
10. Shot in the hand at point blank range.
9. Shot in the lip.
8. Shot on the top of the head.
7. Point Blank in the Chest.
6. Inner thigh.
5. Branch to the groin.
4. Shot in the throat right below the Adams apple, in that squishy part just above the collar bones.
3. Side of the neck, just below the jaw.
2. Back of the head at the base of the skull.

And the number 1 Most Painful Ways We’ve Injured Ourselves Playing Paintball.

1. Two words – Groin Shot.