50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden…

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You’re Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

1) Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2) Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, “Doesn’t that sound a lot like a B-52?”
3) Ask him if he’s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan’s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4) Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
5) Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6) Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7) Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
8) Order him ten Domino’s pizzas with extra ham topping.
9) Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10) Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven’t seen “Sex and the City” for weeks.
11) Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
12) Switch all the CD’s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he’ll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
13) Mine his bathroom.
14) Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about “spots”.
15) Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16) Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
17) Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
18) Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19) Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you’ll get to, “kick his ass every day for eternity.”
20) Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21) Refer to him as “Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden.”
22) Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23) Tell him it’s lovely what he’s done with his cave, but that it’d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24) At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
25) Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26) Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27) Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you’ve ever attended.
28) Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29) Mix up his Rubik’s Cube.
30) Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31) Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
32) Run your finger along his credenza, and say, “tsk, tsk” if there’s dust.
33) Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
34) Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35) Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
36) Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the “Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd” Jihad.
37) Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, “Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!”
38) Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39) They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on “Friends.”
40) Warn him that you’re “in a New York state of mind.”
41) Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.
42) Ask him, “Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?” just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43) Give him a “noogie” or a “wedgie.” If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a “swirlie”.*
44) Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45) Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your “holy lands” and blow up his hotels.
46) Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47) Offer to take him “clubbing” in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
48) Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49) Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50) When you leave, wave and say, “Shalom!”

*Some translational notes for non-Americans: a “noogie” is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone’s head in an arm-lock; a “wedgie” involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a “swirlie” involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States?

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New computer helpdesk support fees:

Calling me with a question – $10

Calling me with a stupid question – $30

Calling me with a stupid question you can’t quite articulate – $50

Implying I’m incompetent because I can’t interpret your inarticulate problem description – $1000 + punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help desk – $50

Questions where answer is in TFM – $100.00

Calling me back with the same problem after I fix it once – $100

Insisting that you’re not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow – $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem – $25/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem – $50/mile + gas

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else’s problem – $170/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now – $250/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it – $60/hr

If you’ve come to ask me why something isn’t working while I’m currently working on it- $270/hr

If you’re asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday – $175/hr

If you’re asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix – $85/hr

If you’re asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn’t work – $95/hr

If you’re bugging me while there’s another admin in the room who could have done it for you – $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone – $1500.00

Calling up with a problem which “everybody” in the office is having and which is “stopping all work.” Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. – $1700.00

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it’s your personal machine at home – $500.00

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do – $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do – $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it – $850.00

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive – $50.00

BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive – $250.00

Fixing your “broken” mouse with a mouse pad – $25.00

Fixing your “broken” optical mouse by rotating the mouse pad 90 degrees – $35.00

Fixing a “broken” mouse by cleaning the rollers – $50.00

Fixing your “broken” printer with an ink/toner cartridge – $35.00

Fixing your “broken” ANYTHING with the power button – $250.00

Fixing the “crashed” system by turning the external disk back on – $200.00

Fixing the “hung” system by plugging the Ethernet transceiver back in – $375.00

Fixing the crashed name server by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the ‘real’ sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation – $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in – $50

Explaining that you can’t log in to some server because you don’t have an account there – $10

Explaining that you don’t have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server – $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger – $25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first – $50

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first – $100 per program

Technical support for the above programs – $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not)

Spilling coke on keyboard – $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor – $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU – $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

Leaving files on desktop – $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve – $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine – $200

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus – $25

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets – $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say… “So that’s what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!” – $40

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, “Oops. Never mind.” – $35 (including discount for polite apology)

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software – $25

Dealing with “How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died.” requests – $45

Having to use the “We’re really not the best people to talk to about that; why don’t you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?” line – $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response – $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)

Having to point out anything that’s on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points – $15

If I wrote the sign – $45

If it’s in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door – $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem – $25.00

Reporting it more than once – $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support’s inability to solve problem – $200.00

Beeper Prices:

Beeping me when I’m out with the significant other – $150

Beeping me when I’m out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left – $200

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer’s offline and the fix is to press the On Line button – $200

Beeping me more than once while I’m asleep – $50 per beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds – $55

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem – $50

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odour – $175.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site – $150.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help – $300.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbyists – $500.00/hour

Questioning the other prices – $50
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People You’d Rather Leave Alone

Here’s a helpful little list of people that should be better off left alone.

Anyone with the title “The Grand Master of Flowers”

Anyone with the title “His Peerless Serenity”

Any man who willingly goes by the name “Bubbles”

Anyone who’s name appears in a H.P. Lovecraft book.

Anyone from the Hell’s Angles (included on general principals)

Anyone who looks better in drag.

Anyone who can bench press a Buick.

Anyone who owns a Hello Kitty AR-15

Murphy’s Laws

  1. If anything can go wrong, it will.
  2. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  3. Everything takes longer than you think.
  4. Smile… tomorrow will be worse.
  5. Doing it the hard way is always easier.
  6. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
  7. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  8. The person who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone they can blame it on.
  9. To insure immediate need of a carton from the shelf, put something very large and very heavy in front of it.
  10. Don’t let your superiors know you’re better than they are.
  11. The truth shall get you fired.
  12. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  13. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong traffic lane.
  14. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
  15. If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice, then you don’t need advice.
  16. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
  17. Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do when things go wrong.
  18. The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.
  19. In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
  20. A knife too dull to cut anything else can always cut your finger.
  21. If you’re a mechanic, after your hands have become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
  22. Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
  23. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  24. The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
  25. The length of a minute depends which side of the bathroom door you are on.
  26. If a man says to you “It’s not the not the money, it’s the principle of the thing,” I lay you 6 to 1 it’s the money.
  27. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of the thing you are doing.
  28. Things will get worse before they will get better.—Who said things would get better?
  29. Bad weather reports are right more often than good ones.
  30. If it jams–force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  31. The first place to look for something is the last place you expect to find it.
  32. The driver’s side windshield wiper always streaks and wears out first.
  33. It is impossible to make anything fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
  34. As soon as you switch to the carpool lane, the other lanes of traffic speed up.
  35. The worse the haircut, the slower it grows out.
  36. Phone messages: If you have a pen, there’s no paper. If you have paper, there’s no pen. If you have both, theres’ no message.
  37. Murphy’s Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rule.
  38. When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  39. Corporate Planning: Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
  40. A bank is a place that lends you an umbrella in good weather and takes it back when it starts to rain.
  41. When the world cures one problem, it usually turns into another, worse than the first.
  42. Progress is the exchange of one problem for another.
  43. Being punctual only means your mistake will be made on time.
  44. Corporations: Any action for which there is no logical explanation will be deemed “company policy.”
  45. Whatever plan you make, there is a hidden difficulty somewhere.
  46. A surprise monetary windfall will be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.
  47. The one emergency you are fully prepared to meet never occurs.
  48. When taking something apart to fix a minor malfunction, you will cause a major malfunction.
  49. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
  50. If it looks easy, it’s tough. If it looks tough, it’s damn well impossible.
  51. No matter how early you arrive, someone else is in line first.
  52. The effort of catching a falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.
  53. The most expensive component is the one that breaks.
  54. If you know something can go wrong, and take due precaution to prevent it, something else will go wrong.
  55. Nobody can leave well enough alone.
  56. It’s always after you shovel out your driveway that the snowplow comes through and fills it in.
  57. Whatever you build will cost more than you figured on.
  58. Job security is not letting management know you’re around.
  59. It’s only when you program personal data into your office computer that your boss walks by.
  60. Confusion starts when you make something perfectly clear.
  61. The phone call you’re waiting for comes the minute you’re out the door.
  62. Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
  63. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
  64. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
  65. Computers are unreliable, but people are even more unreliable.
  66. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.
  67. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.