Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

  1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahh, it’s cute.
  3. Who circumcised you?
  4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
  5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  6. It’s more fun to look at.
  7. Make it dance.
  8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
  9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
  10. It looks like a night crawler.
  11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
  13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
  14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
  15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
  16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  17. Oh no, a flash headache.
  18. (giggle and point)
  19. Can I be honest with you?
  20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  21. Let me go get my tweezers.
  22. How sweet, you brought incense.
  23. This explains your car.
  24. You must be a growing boy.
  25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
  26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
  27. Are you one of those pygmies?
  28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
  29. Every heard of clearasil?
  30. All right, a treasure hunt!
  31. I didn’t know they came that small.
  32. Why is God punishing you?
  33. At least this won’t take long.
  34. I never saw one like that before.
  35. What do you call this?
  36. But it still works, right?
  37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
  38. It looks so unused.
  39. Do you take steroids?
  40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
  41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
  43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
  44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
  45. Aww, it’s hiding.
  46. Are you cold?
  47. If you get me real drunk first.
  48. Is that an optical illusion?
  49. What is that?
  50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
  51. Were you neutered?
  52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
  53. Does it come with an air pump?
  54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
  55. Where are the puppet strings?
  56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
  57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
  58. Never mind, why bother.
  59. Is that a second belly button?
  60. Where’s the rest of it?

Paintball Safety – or – How not to Check to See if You’re Out of Ammo. #3

So now that we have REALLY learned our lesson this time by having me make and example of my self, we all are now ever so careful not to do anything stupid. Really. Honestly. If you believe that I got a bridge to sell you. Now we are gone along, three months now without anything bad happening. In other words, we should have seen this coming. Rob has developed some problem with his gun. We have now switched over exclusively to the PGP Pistols because of the lower cost to keep armed and filled with co2. Now for some reason the co2 cartridge is not properly sitting in the gun and Rob was having trouble screwing in the bolt that held the co2. We call a time out on the playing field so we can help Rob fix his gun. The problem was there was some gunk on the tip of the cartridge not allowing it to seat in correctly. Now with the PGP Pistol, the paintballs are held in a chamber above the barrel. There is a small gap where you can see if there is any paintballs in the gun. However, there is practically no way to see if anything is in the chamber. I think you see where this is going. To start a new co2 cartridge you have to pump the gun once to break the seal and then once again to fill the chamber. Greg gets the gun all together and does the double pump to start the gun. Rob asks if it’s now working. Greg responds “Sure! See” turns toward Rob points it at his chest, not more than a foot away, and pulls the trigger. There was a ball chambered. Rob went down on one knee and clutched his chest all the while informing Greg that his parents were never married, and making other accusations.


Paintball Safety – or – How not to check to see if you’re out of ammo. #2

Well, now that we have learned our lessons with the semi-auto guns, they eat up a lot of ammo, We have gone out and purchased several Sheridan PGP Paintball Pistols. Which holds 10 shots and 1 “in the chamber”. We are back inside the house getting something to drink. Now safety has become our major concern, especially after I SHOT MY FREAKING HAND OFF! Sorry, anyway, we are constantly checking to make sure that the safety is on, we dump out all our ammo before going inside. We had to repaint the living room after one of the semi’s were shot in the house because “Don’t worry, there’s no ammo in the gun. See?” and proceeded to fire the gun splattering the wall with paint. Back to the story. They ask me as a note of precaution, “Ed, is the safety on, on your pistol?” “Why yes!” I respond drawing my pistol, pointing it at my left hand. “See,” I say as I pull the trigger. And SHOT MY FREAKING HAND OFF, AGAIN!

I screamed like a cheerleader.