Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You’re Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss
1) Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2) Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, “Doesn’t that sound a lot like a B-52?”
3) Ask him if he’s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan’s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4) Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
5) Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6) Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7) Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
8) Order him ten Domino’s pizzas with extra ham topping.
9) Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10) Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven’t seen “Sex and the City” for weeks.
11) Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
12) Switch all the CD’s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he’ll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
13) Mine his bathroom.
14) Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about “spots”.
15) Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16) Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
17) Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
18) Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19) Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you’ll get to, “kick his ass every day for eternity.”
20) Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21) Refer to him as “Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden.”
22) Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23) Tell him it’s lovely what he’s done with his cave, but that it’d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24) At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
25) Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26) Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27) Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you’ve ever attended.
28) Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29) Mix up his Rubik’s Cube.
30) Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31) Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
32) Run your finger along his credenza, and say, “tsk, tsk” if there’s dust.
33) Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
34) Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35) Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
36) Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the “Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd” Jihad.
37) Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, “Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!”
38) Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39) They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on “Friends.”
40) Warn him that you’re “in a New York state of mind.”
41) Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.
42) Ask him, “Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?” just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43) Give him a “noogie” or a “wedgie.” If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a “swirlie”.*
44) Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45) Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your “holy lands” and blow up his hotels.
46) Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47) Offer to take him “clubbing” in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
48) Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49) Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50) When you leave, wave and say, “Shalom!”
*Some translational notes for non-Americans: a “noogie” is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone’s head in an arm-lock; a “wedgie” involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a “swirlie” involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States?