Father Flanagan’s Prayer Over the Gifts

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to awake in green pastures,
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz,
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal(or Sweet-N-Low, for that matter).
For thou art with me, thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez,
Thou annointest my day with pep, my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of Maxwell forever, to the last drop.


Top 100+ Things You Don’t Want the Sysadmin To Say

(from alt.folklore.computers)
Subject: Top 100 things you don’t want the sysadmin to say.

  1. Uh-oh…..
  2. Shit!!
  3. What the hell!?
  4. Go get your backup tape. (You _do_ have a backup tape?)
  5. That’s SOOOOO bizarre.
  6. Wow!! Look at this…..
  7. Hey!! The suns don’t do this.
  8. Terminated??!
  9. What software license?
  10. Well, it’s doing _something_…..
  11. Wow….that seemed _fast_…..
  12. I got a better job at Lockheed…
  13. Management says…
  14. Sorry, the new equipment didn’t get budgeted.
  15. What do you mean that wasn’t a copy?
  16. It didn’t do that a minute ago…
  17. Where’s the GUI on this thing?
  18. Damn, and I just bought that pop…
  19. Where’s the DIR command?
  20. The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
  21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s LOTS of free space.
  22. What’s this “any” key I’m supposed to press?
  23. Do you smell something?
  24. What’s that grinding sound?
  25. I have never seen it do *that* before…
  26. I think it should not be doing that…
  27. I remember the last time I saw it do that…
  28. You might as well all go home early today …
  29. My leave starts tomorrow.
  30. Ooops.
  31. Hmm, maybe if I do this…
  32. “Why is my “rm *.o” taking so long?”
  33. Hmmm, curious…
  34. Well, _my_ files were backed up.
  35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
  36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
  37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
  38. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work
  39. when it comes up tonight.
  40. I didn’t think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
  41. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
  42. We’re standardizing on AIX.
  43. Wonder what *this* command does?
  44. What did you say your (l)user name was…? [;-)]
  45. You did _what_ to the floppy???
  46. Sorry, we deleted that package last week…
  47. NO! Not _that_ button!
  48. Uh huh……”nu -k $USER”.. no problem….sure thing…
  49. Sorry, we deleted that package last week…
  50. NO! Not _that_ button!
  51. Uh huh……”nu -k $USER”.. no problem….sure thing…
  52. [looks at workstation] “Say, what version of Dos is this running?”
  53. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
  54. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
  55. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
  56. What’s this switch for anyways…?
  57. Tell me again what that ‘-r’ option to rm does
  58. Say, What does “Superblock Error” mean, anyhow?
  59. If I knew it wasn’t going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
  60. Was that YOUR directory?
  61. System coming down in 0 min….
  62. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
  63. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
  64. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
  65. The sprinkler system isn’t supposed to leak is it?
  66. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. ( This is said on a monday afternoon.)
  67. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
  68. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
  69. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
  70. Ummm… Didn’t you say you turned it off?
  71. The network’s down, but we’re working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline… )
  72. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
  73. Boy, it’s a lot easier when you know what you’re doing.
  74. I hate it when that happens.
  75. And what does it mean ‘rm: .o: No such file or directory’?
  76. Why did it say ‘/bin/rm: not found’?
  77. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
  78. You can do this patch with the system up…
  79. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
  80. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
  81. Well, I’ve got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk….
  82. What do mean by “fired”?
  83. hey, what does mkfs do?
  84. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
  85. …and if we just swap these two disc controllers like _this_…
  86. don’t do that, it’ll crash the sys…….. SHIT
  87. what’s this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
  88. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
  89. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
  90. now it’s funny you should ask that, because I don’t know either
  91. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
  92. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
  93. SMIT makes it all so much easier……
  94. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
  95. I don’t care what he says, I’m _NOT_ having it on _MY_ network
  96. We don’t support that. We _won’t_ support that.
  97. …and after I patched the microcode…
  98. You’ve got TECO. What more do you want?
  99. We prefer not to change the root password, it’s an nice easy one
  100. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory…
  101. This won’t affect what you’re doing.
  102. “We are shutting xxx down from 8.30 to 10.30 on Thursday to install a new tape drive.” – The machine was up at about 2pm sans-tape drive
  103. “I just have to install these three patches. It should not take more than a few minutes.” – The machine was working again about 3 hours later…
  104. Umm, did anyone have anything important in /usr?
  105. We had to format some tracks, and we seem to have hit an inode track. – Half the files are still there though…
  106. Ooops, I should really have change directory before doing that chmod -R bin.bin .
  107. I just made an extra 2 meg of space in /, I stripped /vmunix. – Oh, so that’s why ps doesn’t work.
  108. Ignore the errors. It complains too much.
  109. I got these instructions off the net. I’m going to follow them exactly. Let’s see if they work.
  110. Heard at my workplace when I found emacs wouldn’t run:  “Oh I took that thing off, it was huge and nobody uses it. It’s a stupid editor anyway.” –Spoken by an MS-DOS programmer
  111. I don’t know if this is ethical, but…
  112. Anybody seen the envelope I wrote that password on?
  113. Oh, I thought you’d already saved that file.
  114. Why is the “Undo” button greyed out?
  115. You needed a new computer anyway, right?
  116. You can move the mouse a little, but DON’T MOVE THE KEYBOARD!
  117. When it makes that noise again, use the FLAT end of the hammer next time!
  118. I couldn’t fix that loud power supply fan, so here are some louder speakers.
  119. From now on, you’ll need to wear this ground strap when you use the computer – but you shouldn’t get that nasty shock anymore.
  120. Not forward slash…BACK SLASH…no, I don’t know where that is on your keyboard.
  121. Keep rebooting until it stays running.
  122. That blue screen really is pretty, huh?

More Murphy’s laws

Murphy’s Law: What might go wrong will go wrong and at the worst possible moment

Sullivan’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Gumperson’s Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse proportion to it’s desirability.

Wiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.

Chisolm’s Law: Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Man’s Law: No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.

David’s Law: If something goes wrong, it’s always someone else fault.

Parkisons’ Law: Work will expand to fill the time that is available.

Slacker’s Law: One will rise to the level of incompetence expected of them.

Pessimist’s Law: Anything that might go wrong, has gone wrong, and you’ve just missed it.

Peter Principal: A person is promoted to the level of their incompetence

Summer Camp Time!

Summer is here and so is summer camp! So here’s a message to all parents from all the children forced to go to summer camp just so their parents can get some nookie while the kids are away. After all that’s what summer camp is for, to get the kid’s out of the house long enough to forget that the little rug-rats were there.

But enough of the bitterness. On with the message!

Message From Camp –

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Special thanks to my Uncle Leroy for recording the message many many years ago when he had to endure summer camp, back before the child abuse and child labor laws were enforced.

E-mail Tag Lines

Never moon a Werewolf…

Never take a Vietnam Vet to fireworks display in the swamp…
Never take a recovering drug addict to a Grateful Dead concert…

And never, ever, stand up while your plane is being hijacked and ask for your Kosher meal.

Before Enlightenment, wash the floor and chop wood.
After Enlightenment, wash the floor and chop wood.

-Zen Koan (I think)

Anyone remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.

There are three types of people in this world: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wondered “What happened?”

“A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.” – Colette

“A cult is a religion with no political power.” – Tom Wolfe

“Government is that great fictitious entity by which everyone tries to live at the expense of everyone else.”

Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking
If you cheat,may you cheat death
If you steal,may steal someone’s heart
If you fight, may you fight for a friend
and If you drink, may you drink with me
May Odin Guide Ya and Fey Welcome Ya
Blessed Be

“Cloning forces us to ask some hard questions.
For example, which person, the original or the clone, gets to wear the goatee and be evil?”

“You are using the time-honored strategy of ignoring my point.”

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

“If people listened to themselves more often, they’d talk less.” – Courtois’s Rule

“Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.” – Davidson’s Maxim

Btw. that “real life” you mentioned, is it worth downloading?

Reality is for those who are unable to cope with fantasy. Fortunately I have no problems coping.

we crashed through the wall and into the street
Kicking and a’ gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer

<—— [insert picture of elvis and nixon shaking hands in the oval office]

“…violence resolves problems that talking can’t solve.”

C: run
Run : , Run”

People that don’t like us to wear fur and leather, will only harass rich women, because a biker gang would kick their asses!

I used to live life like a possible senate candidate,
but the hookers and heroine got to be too much.

“Because you have the attention span of a goldfish and the level of intelligence inferior to a flabbering moth makes your input on what sucks and what does not about as insignificant as your very own existence.”

‘No trees were killed in the sending of this message.
‘However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

“I am Homer of Borg. You will be assim…ooooohhh, donut!”
“I am Homer of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Preparation is irrel…MMMmmm…doughnut!”

Entropy isn’t what it used to be…

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

As I get older I find that all the worlds problems come down to one thing. Other people. So knock it off.

When life hands you lemons, lobby Congress to give you the sole right to provide access to lemonade.

Do not seek to imitate the masters. Instead, seek what the masters sought. – old Japanese proverb

Every child wins a prize! (Prizes not suitable for children)

When they took the fourth amendment, I was quiet because I didn’t deal drugs.
When they took the sixth amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent.
When they took the second amendment, I was quiet because I didn’t own a gun.
Now they’ve taken the first amendment, and I can say nothing about it.

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence

Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

  1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahh, it’s cute.
  3. Who circumcised you?
  4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
  5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  6. It’s more fun to look at.
  7. Make it dance.
  8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
  9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
  10. It looks like a night crawler.
  11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
  13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
  14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
  15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
  16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  17. Oh no, a flash headache.
  18. (giggle and point)
  19. Can I be honest with you?
  20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  21. Let me go get my tweezers.
  22. How sweet, you brought incense.
  23. This explains your car.
  24. You must be a growing boy.
  25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
  26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
  27. Are you one of those pygmies?
  28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
  29. Every heard of clearasil?
  30. All right, a treasure hunt!
  31. I didn’t know they came that small.
  32. Why is God punishing you?
  33. At least this won’t take long.
  34. I never saw one like that before.
  35. What do you call this?
  36. But it still works, right?
  37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
  38. It looks so unused.
  39. Do you take steroids?
  40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
  41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
  43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
  44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
  45. Aww, it’s hiding.
  46. Are you cold?
  47. If you get me real drunk first.
  48. Is that an optical illusion?
  49. What is that?
  50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
  51. Were you neutered?
  52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
  53. Does it come with an air pump?
  54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
  55. Where are the puppet strings?
  56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
  57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
  58. Never mind, why bother.
  59. Is that a second belly button?
  60. Where’s the rest of it?