Murphy’s Laws

  1. If anything can go wrong, it will.
  2. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  3. Everything takes longer than you think.
  4. Smile… tomorrow will be worse.
  5. Doing it the hard way is always easier.
  6. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
  7. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  8. The person who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone they can blame it on.
  9. To insure immediate need of a carton from the shelf, put something very large and very heavy in front of it.
  10. Don’t let your superiors know you’re better than they are.
  11. The truth shall get you fired.
  12. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  13. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong traffic lane.
  14. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
  15. If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice, then you don’t need advice.
  16. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
  17. Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do when things go wrong.
  18. The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.
  19. In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
  20. A knife too dull to cut anything else can always cut your finger.
  21. If you’re a mechanic, after your hands have become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
  22. Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
  23. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  24. The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
  25. The length of a minute depends which side of the bathroom door you are on.
  26. If a man says to you “It’s not the not the money, it’s the principle of the thing,” I lay you 6 to 1 it’s the money.
  27. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of the thing you are doing.
  28. Things will get worse before they will get better.—Who said things would get better?
  29. Bad weather reports are right more often than good ones.
  30. If it jams–force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  31. The first place to look for something is the last place you expect to find it.
  32. The driver’s side windshield wiper always streaks and wears out first.
  33. It is impossible to make anything fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
  34. As soon as you switch to the carpool lane, the other lanes of traffic speed up.
  35. The worse the haircut, the slower it grows out.
  36. Phone messages: If you have a pen, there’s no paper. If you have paper, there’s no pen. If you have both, theres’ no message.
  37. Murphy’s Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rule.
  38. When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  39. Corporate Planning: Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
  40. A bank is a place that lends you an umbrella in good weather and takes it back when it starts to rain.
  41. When the world cures one problem, it usually turns into another, worse than the first.
  42. Progress is the exchange of one problem for another.
  43. Being punctual only means your mistake will be made on time.
  44. Corporations: Any action for which there is no logical explanation will be deemed “company policy.”
  45. Whatever plan you make, there is a hidden difficulty somewhere.
  46. A surprise monetary windfall will be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.
  47. The one emergency you are fully prepared to meet never occurs.
  48. When taking something apart to fix a minor malfunction, you will cause a major malfunction.
  49. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
  50. If it looks easy, it’s tough. If it looks tough, it’s damn well impossible.
  51. No matter how early you arrive, someone else is in line first.
  52. The effort of catching a falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.
  53. The most expensive component is the one that breaks.
  54. If you know something can go wrong, and take due precaution to prevent it, something else will go wrong.
  55. Nobody can leave well enough alone.
  56. It’s always after you shovel out your driveway that the snowplow comes through and fills it in.
  57. Whatever you build will cost more than you figured on.
  58. Job security is not letting management know you’re around.
  59. It’s only when you program personal data into your office computer that your boss walks by.
  60. Confusion starts when you make something perfectly clear.
  61. The phone call you’re waiting for comes the minute you’re out the door.
  62. Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
  63. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
  64. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
  65. Computers are unreliable, but people are even more unreliable.
  66. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.
  67. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Mad Mumblings From the Cafeteria

Get stoned…. Drink wet cement

If God had meant us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

If they ship Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Peace through Tyranny

I’m not arrogant, I’m just better than you.

There is no personal problem that can’t be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Gun control means hitting your target.

I’m not as dumb as you look.

Weird News Headlines

Convicted killer prefers jail with rapists to house arrest with parents

Signs you may be going to hell: Lightning strikes you during a church cookout.

Vatican claims torture is cruel, inhumane, and degrading. Unless you’re a heretic, then anything goes.

One billion PCs sold worldwide. In other news, Skynet not self-aware just yet.

The Welsh are the real English. Everyone else is there due to medieval ethnic cleansing.

8 years of school to become a doctor or lawyer. Who needs it. Become an ordained minister TODAY.

EPA claims toxic sludge is good for fish in Potomac River. Also claims nuclear waste good for enemas.