Father Flanagan’s Prayer Over the Gifts

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to awake in green pastures,
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz,
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal(or Sweet-N-Low, for that matter).
For thou art with me, thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez,
Thou annointest my day with pep, my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of Maxwell forever, to the last drop.

Amen.

More Murphy’s laws

Murphy’s Law: What might go wrong will go wrong and at the worst possible moment

Sullivan’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Gumperson’s Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse proportion to it’s desirability.

Wiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.

Chisolm’s Law: Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Man’s Law: No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.

David’s Law: If something goes wrong, it’s always someone else fault.

Parkisons’ Law: Work will expand to fill the time that is available.

Slacker’s Law: One will rise to the level of incompetence expected of them.

Pessimist’s Law: Anything that might go wrong, has gone wrong, and you’ve just missed it.

Peter Principal: A person is promoted to the level of their incompetence

E-mail Tag Lines

Never moon a Werewolf…

Never take a Vietnam Vet to fireworks display in the swamp…
Never take a recovering drug addict to a Grateful Dead concert…

And never, ever, stand up while your plane is being hijacked and ask for your Kosher meal.


Before Enlightenment, wash the floor and chop wood.
After Enlightenment, wash the floor and chop wood.

-Zen Koan (I think)


Anyone remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


There are three types of people in this world: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wondered “What happened?”


“A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.” – Colette


“A cult is a religion with no political power.” – Tom Wolfe


“Government is that great fictitious entity by which everyone tries to live at the expense of everyone else.”


Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking
If you cheat,may you cheat death
If you steal,may steal someone’s heart
If you fight, may you fight for a friend
and If you drink, may you drink with me
May Odin Guide Ya and Fey Welcome Ya
Blessed Be


“Cloning forces us to ask some hard questions.
For example, which person, the original or the clone, gets to wear the goatee and be evil?”


“You are using the time-honored strategy of ignoring my point.”


This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.


“If people listened to themselves more often, they’d talk less.” – Courtois’s Rule


“Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.” – Davidson’s Maxim


Btw. that “real life” you mentioned, is it worth downloading?


Reality is for those who are unable to cope with fantasy. Fortunately I have no problems coping.


we crashed through the wall and into the street
Kicking and a’ gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer

<—— [insert picture of elvis and nixon shaking hands in the oval office]


“…violence resolves problems that talking can’t solve.”


“C:
C: run
Run : , Run”


People that don’t like us to wear fur and leather, will only harass rich women, because a biker gang would kick their asses!


I used to live life like a possible senate candidate,
but the hookers and heroine got to be too much.


“Because you have the attention span of a goldfish and the level of intelligence inferior to a flabbering moth makes your input on what sucks and what does not about as insignificant as your very own existence.”


‘No trees were killed in the sending of this message.
‘However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.


“I am Homer of Borg. You will be assim…ooooohhh, donut!”
“I am Homer of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Preparation is irrel…MMMmmm…doughnut!”


Entropy isn’t what it used to be…


How do I set a laser printer to stun?

As I get older I find that all the worlds problems come down to one thing. Other people. So knock it off.


When life hands you lemons, lobby Congress to give you the sole right to provide access to lemonade.


Do not seek to imitate the masters. Instead, seek what the masters sought. – old Japanese proverb


Every child wins a prize! (Prizes not suitable for children)


When they took the fourth amendment, I was quiet because I didn’t deal drugs.
When they took the sixth amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent.
When they took the second amendment, I was quiet because I didn’t own a gun.
Now they’ve taken the first amendment, and I can say nothing about it.


Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence


Quotes

The Welsh are the real English. Everyone else is there due to medieval ethnic cleansing.

“Rectum? Damn near killed him.”


“Sis on you pister, you ain’t to mucking fuch.”

“Looks like he’s been playing with the toaster in the bathtub again.”

“Looks like we have another Fuster Cluck on our hands”


“Friends help you move,
Good friends help you move the bodies. ”

“It’s getting late,
shit’s gotta die.”

– Allan “Mel” Gibson


My lawer can beat up your lawer.


“There is no purpose in rationalizing what a customer is saying when the customer is irrational.”


“When you feel like you’re going crazy, have you ever thought that this situation might actually require a crazy person?”


“They are using the mushroom technique on me. They feed me shit and keep me in the dark.”


“It’s not wether you win or lose,
It’s not how you play the game,
It’s wether or not you cover the point spread.”


“Can you see a vampire through a one way mirror?”


“And the moral of the story is never lean on the weird, or they will chop your head off, and perverts will eat your brains.”

– Hunter S. Thompson
“Better Than Sex : Confessions of a Political Junkie”


“If we cannot be free, at least we can be cheap!”

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is plenty more stupidity that hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe”

– Frank Zappa


Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
— Leonard Brandwein


Self confidiance – the only common factor of every failed endevor is you.
– Matt Walsh


“I reject your reality, and substitute my own”
– Adam Savage, Mythbusters


Conversations tend to be so much more civil when there’s a chance the other person might snap and kill you.


Right now I’m really annoyed that I’m not as mad as I thought I would be.


“As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”
– Arthur Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati


He’s nice and he’s funny and he thinks I’m sexy. This delusion makes him desirable.


I do not want my house to be walled in on all sides and my windows to be stuffed. I want the cultures of all the lands to be blown about my house as freely as possible. But I refuse to be blown off my feet by any. I refuse to live in other people’s houses as an interloper, a beggar or a slave.

Religion is a matter of the heart. No physical inconvenience can warrant abandonment of one’s own religion

– Ghandi


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”
– Edmund Burke (1729-1797)


Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.

Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.

– Albert Einstein


If an infinite number of monkeys were coding on an infinite number of computers they would create a good OS. Bill Gates, being impatient, gave them 3 days and took the first one they created.


If there is an exception to a rule at the time the rule was created the rule has already failed.
It’s not superiority, it’s the truth.

– Phill Hall


“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” -Benjamin Franklin


“In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
-Theodore Roosevelt


…here we are, sitting here, watching TV…
While eating corn-chips and sucking down cheap beer…
Why the hell haven’t we started a new people’s revolution?
Oh yeah, fat, lazy and unmotivated.
“These colors won’t run!”
Especially not on a treadmill, or around a track, or anything.

W. Mike Goodman –


The Bureaucrarcy is expanding to meet the needs of the expanding Bureaucrarcy – Unknown


“Life is just nature’s way of keeping meat fresh.” – The Doctor


“Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.”
-Jeff Raskin


Have also found another prisoner unconscious. This especially worrying as it appears to be me. Handsome devil.
– Othar Tryggvassen


Premature optimization is the root of all evil. – Donald Knuth


Some people only learn from experience. But experience is a difficult teacher, since it gives the test first with lesson to follow. – /user/HungryLikeTheWolf99

Mad Mumblings From the Cafeteria

Get stoned…. Drink wet cement

If God had meant us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

If they ship Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Peace through Tyranny

I’m not arrogant, I’m just better than you.

There is no personal problem that can’t be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Gun control means hitting your target.

I’m not as dumb as you look.

Weird News Headlines

Convicted killer prefers jail with rapists to house arrest with parents

Signs you may be going to hell: Lightning strikes you during a church cookout.

Vatican claims torture is cruel, inhumane, and degrading. Unless you’re a heretic, then anything goes.

One billion PCs sold worldwide. In other news, Skynet not self-aware just yet.

The Welsh are the real English. Everyone else is there due to medieval ethnic cleansing.

8 years of school to become a doctor or lawyer. Who needs it. Become an ordained minister TODAY.

EPA claims toxic sludge is good for fish in Potomac River. Also claims nuclear waste good for enemas.