Paintball Safety – or – How not to Check to See if You’re Out of Ammo. #1

So, Charles, Greg, and I are playing a renegade game of paintball in Rambo’s backyard. At midnight. During the winter. No I never said I was sane. Anyway, we are playing and the co2 tanks are starting to freeze increasing, the air pressure the semi-auto guns are firing at. Quick bit of paintball info. Paintball guns fire at somewhere between 220 fps and 300 fps. Feet Per Second. 300 fps is about 200 mph. back to the story. So I’m running through the woods firing my gun and I can hear it firing blanks. The balls are not dropping down into the chamber properly due to the temperature. I shake the gun a couple of times to get the balls resorted, and fire the gun. I’m still shooting only air. It’s dark and my only source of light is the crescent moon above. So now I’m thinking to myself, maybe I’m not hearing things correctly. Maybe the gun is really firing and I’m just not seeing it. So I put my hand in front of the barrel and pull the trigger several times. Air. Now I’m pissed off. I shake the gun and fire several more times. Air again. Now I’m fuming mad. I give the gun a real violent shake and fire the gun. First pull of the trigger, air. Second pull of the trigger, air. Third pull of the trigger a frozen paintball flies out at 300 fps (200 mph) and hits my left hand right below my index and middle finger. Luckily I was wearing a glove. Unfortunately, it was not very thick. I was about to scream then I realized I did not want to give away my position. So I stood there for a good deal of time staring at my hand, mouth wide open, and eyes wide open.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot.

Don’t do this at home kids.

Paintball Safety – or – Why You Sould not Play Paintball With a Sling Shot.

Ok, Mathew-San, Jim Maguire, and I use to be amateur anarchists. We one night suck out of our houses and decided to play paintball hide and seek through our neighborhood. Jim had the only gun, Matt used the sling shot and I was “Ammo-Boy” for Matt. We’ve were running around shooting up houses and generally having fun. Jim runs off into the woods and hides. Matt and I are sneaking around looking for him. “Wait,” Matt whispers. “He’s hiding over there. Behind those trees.” That boy has got to have the best vision in the world. I didn’t see squat. I hand a paintball after two to three minutes of arguing of where Jim was. “I’m going to hit him in the center of his forehead,” Matt says as he is drawing back the slingshot. He releases! Whizz! Splat! “AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!” We ran over to Jim to see what happened. He’s clutching his hand over his left eye, cursing like a sailor. Matt and I are trying our best not to laugh at the way he is stringing the curses together. We calm Jim down and try to get the details. Here’s what happened to Jim. He heard the snap of the slingshot and saw the paintball hanging in the air, growing. If any of you have ever played paintball, this means that you are going to get hit in the head. Realizing this, Jim stood up and moved to the right to get out of the way. He didn’t move fast enough got hit right in the left lens of his glasses. Popped the lens right out and cut him on the cheek.

Needless to say we didn’t ever do that again.

Food, Ood, and Fud

Most all editable substances can be clasified as either Food, Ood, or Fud.
Many people make the mistake that the diffrerence is in the style or type of food, when actually it’s in the preperation.
Food is a good home cooked meal or a very nice restraunt.
Ood is a regular restraunt, high end microwavable meals good diners.
Fud is, well, fud. Fast food, “greasy spoon” diners, microwavable dinners.
There is also some gray aeria’s between each one. One example of a gray areia are diners. I’ve eaten at diners that might qualify as restraunts. I’ve also eaten at diners that qualify for the EPA’s superfund site.

Beware of Role Players!

Once again thanks to my Uncle Leroy for putting his life on the line to secretly record an evening of the occult inspired game Dungeons and Dragons. I felt that this information should be released in sequence with the grand unveiling of their 3rd edition. It has taken them almost 10 years to assemble this tome of evil so you know it’s chock full of satanic evilness.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


The Welsh are the real English. Everyone else is there due to medieval ethnic cleansing.

“Rectum? Damn near killed him.”

“Sis on you pister, you ain’t to mucking fuch.”

“Looks like he’s been playing with the toaster in the bathtub again.”

“Looks like we have another Fuster Cluck on our hands”

“Friends help you move,
Good friends help you move the bodies. ”

“It’s getting late,
shit’s gotta die.”

– Allan “Mel” Gibson

My lawer can beat up your lawer.

“There is no purpose in rationalizing what a customer is saying when the customer is irrational.”

“When you feel like you’re going crazy, have you ever thought that this situation might actually require a crazy person?”

“They are using the mushroom technique on me. They feed me shit and keep me in the dark.”

“It’s not wether you win or lose,
It’s not how you play the game,
It’s wether or not you cover the point spread.”

“Can you see a vampire through a one way mirror?”

“And the moral of the story is never lean on the weird, or they will chop your head off, and perverts will eat your brains.”

– Hunter S. Thompson
“Better Than Sex : Confessions of a Political Junkie”

“If we cannot be free, at least we can be cheap!”

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is plenty more stupidity that hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe”

– Frank Zappa

Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
— Leonard Brandwein

Self confidiance – the only common factor of every failed endevor is you.
– Matt Walsh

“I reject your reality, and substitute my own”
– Adam Savage, Mythbusters

Conversations tend to be so much more civil when there’s a chance the other person might snap and kill you.

Right now I’m really annoyed that I’m not as mad as I thought I would be.

“As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”
– Arthur Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati

He’s nice and he’s funny and he thinks I’m sexy. This delusion makes him desirable.

I do not want my house to be walled in on all sides and my windows to be stuffed. I want the cultures of all the lands to be blown about my house as freely as possible. But I refuse to be blown off my feet by any. I refuse to live in other people’s houses as an interloper, a beggar or a slave.

Religion is a matter of the heart. No physical inconvenience can warrant abandonment of one’s own religion

– Ghandi

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”
– Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.

Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.

– Albert Einstein

If an infinite number of monkeys were coding on an infinite number of computers they would create a good OS. Bill Gates, being impatient, gave them 3 days and took the first one they created.

If there is an exception to a rule at the time the rule was created the rule has already failed.
It’s not superiority, it’s the truth.

– Phill Hall

“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” -Benjamin Franklin

“In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

…here we are, sitting here, watching TV…
While eating corn-chips and sucking down cheap beer…
Why the hell haven’t we started a new people’s revolution?
Oh yeah, fat, lazy and unmotivated.
“These colors won’t run!”
Especially not on a treadmill, or around a track, or anything.

W. Mike Goodman –

The Bureaucrarcy is expanding to meet the needs of the expanding Bureaucrarcy – Unknown

“Life is just nature’s way of keeping meat fresh.” – The Doctor

“Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.”
-Jeff Raskin

Have also found another prisoner unconscious. This especially worrying as it appears to be me. Handsome devil.
– Othar Tryggvassen

Premature optimization is the root of all evil. – Donald Knuth

Some people only learn from experience. But experience is a difficult teacher, since it gives the test first with lesson to follow. – /user/HungryLikeTheWolf99