The Bus!

Ok, here is goes. This is one of my favourite stories.

I had a one hour bus ride to and from school each day during my senior year at High School. Jim Maguire, Mathew-San and I always sat in the back seats. One day we looked over at the screws that lined the wall and an idea formed between us. “Hey! I wonder what would happen if we removed the screws from the bus?” Here is where the 1st law of Ed, Any idea formed between two people is usually a bad idea. It’s also proof of the saying, “An idle mind is the devil’s playground”. I grabbed a small squat Philips screwdriver from my house and brought it on the bus. It was small enough to fit in the palm of my had, but the tip was as large as a normal one. Jim grabbed his Craftsman Phillips screw driver with one of those cool rubber grips. It has become known as the “Holy Screwdriver of Antioch” after the “Holy Hand grenade of Antioch” Monty Python movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Over the course of the next four months, we managed to remove 358 screws from different locations on the bus. We grabbed one from the window. That sucker was almost and inch and a half long! We removed the brace bar from the back door so that it slammed open. We removed the signs “In case of Emergency Pull Handle and Push Window Out.” We even detached one of the long seats from the wall. You know the metal runners along the rubber matt down the centre of the isle? We got every screws except for the two holding them down on each end. The most difficult one to get was the one in the ceiling. That took some doing. We almost got the heater but it was welded to a pipe and we didn’t want to cut it. We did manage to remove a substiational portion of it, though.

We managed to make it through the school year without getting caught.

Then the bus had to pass it’s yearly inspection.

It failed.

We were snagged.

Jim Maguire and I were called down to the Dean’s office and were suspended.

But wait! There’s more! Our story doesn’t stop there true believers!

It was the last day of senior year for me. The Dean, Mr. Rocks, decided to punish us by making the two of us clear the newly laid football field of all the rocks. Now I don’t mean any of those little hand sized rocks. I mean rocks that were the size of your chest! Now before the Mr Rocks could dole out the punishment, he had to gain parental permission first. He called my dad, who had found out about out little impromptu shop/automotive class, and asked if it was ok to put me to work. My dad responded “Sure! Go right ahead! Keep him for a whole week if you want.” I love my dad. Just like when I asked if he would post bail if I ever got arrested. He told me sure, but it may take several days for him to come up with the cash, and then he would let me sit and stew for several days while he woks out time off from his job. I love my dad. He’s as sick and twisted as me.

Anyway, back to the story, the second part of our punishment was for us to return all the parts taken from the bus. Well, the parts that we had taken were given to our friends as gifts and we scrambled to get them back. Also Jim was taking the school apart, slowly, piece by piece. When we handed in all the parts to the bus driver Mrs. Dyer, Jim had accidentally included the screws that he had taken from the school. He had unscrewed the cafeteria tables, the library tables, doors, desks, anything that had a philips head on it was unsafe from his wrath. Anyway, this threw the bus mechanics for a loop since these were nothing like the screws for the bus and they had Mrs. Dyer ask where the *^% he got them from. Jim BS his way out of that one.

While were waiting in the dean’s office Jim, Mr. Rocks, the secretary and I were having a good time shooting the breeze and telling how we did what we did. The school had just computerized their student records. Mr. Rocks’ secretary was sitting in front of her terminal with a blank look on her face. “I don’t even know how to input this,” she was muttering over and over. Anyway we were having a good time until another student was sent down. Then we had to behave. We got lunch and was sent out to clear the rocks out of the Football field. We were clearing out the rocks and I was actually getting something resembling a tan. Trust me, I can’t tan. I’ve got Irish and Northern European in me. I don’t tan. I burn, peel, then turn back to white. So while we are out there our gym teacher, who was also my home room teacher, comes out with a class and starts harassing us. Mr. Moffet is one of the greatest gym teachers around. He plays the games along with the students, plays dirty and cheats like hell. He is also a pro wrestling fan. Anyway he’s the living stink out of us, asking for details and telling the students to not do what we did. We had fun swapping stories and what not.

End of the day comes and we get ready to go home. He pack up all our stuff and wait for the bus to arrive. The bus shows up and we start to get on. Our bus driver refused to let us on. We get the dean and the two of them argue it out over weather or not we can ride the bus. We were eventually allowed to ride the bus. Here the rub though, Jim still had to ride the bus, since he was not a senior. It became a daily fight with the bus driver to let him on.

But that’s another story for another time.

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